I quit smoking today. For realsies. I also found a nifty little gadget that helps me appreciate the progress I'm making and the money I'm saving.
Wish me luck, although I honestly don't think I'll need it. I read Alan Carr's "The Easy Way to Stop Smoking" and it really did help change my mindset about quitting. Of course, I did have to read the book about 4 times for it to really sink in, but it was totally worth it.
With cigarettes in Massachusetts going from 5 to almost 8 dollars a pack over the last 2 years, I really had no choice. But also, I kind of don't want to die. I did some basic math last night before bed, and calculated that at the very LEAST, I have smoked about NINETY-FIVE THOUSAND cigarettes in the 13 years since I've started. That scared the living shit out of me, especially knowing what a cigarette filter looks like after you smoke ONE.
My girlfriend Andy and I made a deal last night, since we're both pretty much dead broke at the moment. "I'll quit if you will." The thought of us quitting together is a helpful one, but I mostly have Alan Carr to thank for my attitude this time around. Last time I tried to go cold turkey was New Year's Day, 2007. Total disaster. I was feverish, shaky, sweaty, and irritable all day long, and I caved. This time, none of that. It really does make me believe in mind over matter more than I ever have before.
So like I was saying, this little meter thing (below) is actually kind of helpful. It will be super-awesome when I can forget about it for a couple of weeks or months, and go back and look at it and realize the money I have NOT spent on cigarettes is in the hundreds of dollars. Unfortunately, I couldn't find a "live" version of it, so you have to refresh (F5) the page to keep updating the meter if you so desire.
Oh, and one other thing: I actually quit at 12:30 last night, but I figured it would be kind of cheating to count the 8 hours that I was asleep. I set the meter to start this morning when I woke up, just to be extra fair.
For any form of satire to be considered truly great, I believe it has to walk so close to the truth that it's barely distinguishable from it. Whether exaggerated or slightly understated, satire is probably my favorite form of comedy. It often brings about some of the most sophisticated, clever, and disturbing genius comedy has to offer.
Many years ago, my sister introduced me to The Onion, and its brilliant satirical walk through fake journalistic history called "Our Dumb Century". By creating imaginary past issues of a newspaper that would often make either terrifyingly true or intentionally false predictions about the future (which was actually the past or present), "Our Dumb Century" underlined much of the stupidity and ridiculousness of human progress and historical events. The 1969 Moon Landing, for example. Taking into account the entire scope of human history, it seems a little less exciting today than it probably did 40 years ago.
Today, after a long hiatus from reading The Onion, I clicked on it this morning before heading off to work, and was simultaneously awed, disturbed, and greatly amused by the Onion's latest meta-joke. The owner of the Onion, one T. Herman Zweibel (think the Simpsons' Monty Burns with a bad case of Alzheimer's) has sold the paper to China. Today's issue features disinformation, propaganda galore, self-aggrandizing nationalistic rhetoric, harsh criticism of Americans and American culture, and a lot of censorship. Included are such hilarious articles as:
This "sale" comes on the heels of many terrifying stories reported from China, such as the blocking of the wildly popular micro-blogging site Twitter due to the fact that it seems to have allowed too much communicating between Chinese citizens that directly contradicted official, sanitized government reports. The paper's sale also seems to have roots in the many shutdown scares of long-respected American newspapers on the verge of bankruptcy.
In any case, I applaud the Onion for bringing attention to such full-blown fascism, and doing it in such a way that makes us laugh instead of cry. The political and social climate in China remains fascinating food for thought, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't stop and have a few much-needed laughs along the way to whatever solution might lie on the horizon.
Just a quick one today. And, I must be honest, this thought has been on my mind for the last two weeks or so, but it took me popping over to Swaim's new article today to remind me. So, if it seems like I'm just copying him, I'm not. Swaim is a comic genius. I'm just an annoyed blogger.
Anyway, he just reminded me that if I ever find the guy at Time Warner Premier Parks who greenlit the UNFATHOMABLY OBNOXIOUS ADS for Six Flags all last summer, I'm going to kick him in the crotch repeatedly, until he begs me to kill him. Then I'm going to find some Japanese guy and pay him 100 bucks to just stand there and scream in the Time Warner Premier Parks guy's face for a couple of hours.
So this year, apparently the ad agency decided that people weren't responding well to the disembodied head of a Japanese hipster from the future screaming in your face about flags: They've replaced it with the screaming disembodied head of an unbelievably creepy-looking bald fake old guy, hoping that it would be more user-friendly. It's not. It's worse:
Burn in hell, Six Flags commercials.
EDIT: Apparently Time Warner sold the Six Flags chain to Premier Parks in 1998, something of which I was completely unaware until today.
Just need to flame off here about a commercial I just saw for a "new" movie starring apparently desperate actor Matthew Perry and "doesn't-yet-realize-he's-just-a-fad" Zac Efron. Are you wondering why I put the word "new" in quotation marks? Here's why:
Oops, I'm sorry... I meant:
Screw you, Hollywood.
UPDATE: Apparently Gladstone over at CRACKED either had the exact same idea as me for this week's "Hate By Numbers", or he read my blog and totally copied me. Either way, it's an honor to have the same idea as one of the CRACKED Staff.
I am something of a grammar and spelling Nazi, and find myself ashamed beyond words when it's discovered that I've accidentally butchered the English language in some way. For the rest of you Nazis out there, have you ever seen a sign in a store, park, marquee, etc. that had unnecessary quotation marks around it? I have, far too often.
Apologies for no posts in several months, life has been a little rough on me lately. perhaps I'll elaborate on this in a future post, but I kinda doubt it.
So, I saw "Cloverfield" this weekend. When it comes to movies, I know myself pretty well. I have a fairly good radar for knowing which movies I'll like, and which ones look just plain idiotic. In the case of "Cloverfield", the intentional shroud of mystery and almost complete lack of description did exactly what it was supposed to: intrigue me into wanting to see it.
As I explained to my friend Becky, I tend to go for more artsy or dramatic movies, the occasional smart comedy, or maybe a surrealist mind-bender like "The Fountain". Honestly, I don't have a favorite genre, as long as the movie is good. In the case of big-deal blockbusters like "Transformers" or "Terminator 2", I also have moments of weakness, when something looks just so god damn cool that the possibility of not seeing it on the big screen is unthinkable. "Cloverfield" struck me as one of these. I did not have very high hopes, as these larger-than-life (in this case, literally) flicks are almost always a bunch of awesome eye-candy sprinkled over a plot that is so weak and full of holes that I have to groan aloud.
Well, the movie exceeded all of my expectations. Plus, it scared the living bejesus out of me, which is not easy to do with celluloid.
I can't really say much more about the movie itself, that's kind of the whole gimmick. The plot is really too simple and straightforward to elaborate on, but basically think "Blair Witch Project" meets "Godzilla". However, there is one thing that really bothers me about the whole concept, which has little or nothing to do with the movie itself. Apparently, some critics out there have accused "Cloverfield" of being "opportunistic" and insensitive to the memories of the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center, and intentionally recalling images of dazed, bleeding people wandering around in a cloud of debris and dust to invoke those horrific attacks.
My personal response to this: So fucking what?
As we have heard countless times (especially from Rudy Giuliani), 9/11 Changed Everything. Did it also change us into a bunch of self-indulgent, crippled babies who will gladly use 9/11 as a pretense to endless warfare and xenophobia, but express outrage and curl up into a fetal ball when it's even hinted at in a film? Perhaps people of this bent are not familiar with the phrase "art imitates life". 9/11 happened. It's not forbidden to allude to it in a film. Look, "Cloverfield", regardless of the secrecy of the plot, is obviously about some kind of giant thing making a huge mess of New York City. You'd have to be an idiot not to realize this. If it bothers you, don't see the movie. Simple as that.
I understand it's a sensitive issue for many of us, but this should not, and MUST not dictate, what is acceptable or not in the arts. Hell, Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle were in a film last summer that was entirely based on the concept of a guy losing his family in the WTC attacks, and going totally nuts because of it. At least, that's the impression I got from the trailer.
Take a look at Japan. Their culture, especially in the realm of film and animation, has become completely infused with the idea of nuclear war, nuclear apocalypse, and nuclear weapons bringing about catastrophic doom. Ever wonder why? It's because we DROPPED GOD DAMN NUCLEAR BOMBS ON JAPAN, completely vaporizing two of their largest cities in a span of 3 days. Of course it's going to be on their minds! Yes, it changed everything.
We are not the only culture or the only nation that has experienced horrible attacks. In fact, perhaps the reason 9/11 is such an effective bogeyman for us is that it's the first time we can remember that WE weren't the ones blowing some shit up! Firebombing in Dresden, aspirin factories in Sudan, god knows how many hundreds or thousands of buildings in the Middle East, bombings and destruction of villages and mass-murder of civilians in Southeast Asia, two entire CITIES in Japan. The list could go on forever. But when someone attacks the US, we imagine that we're somehow special; exempt and perfectly insulated in this regard. Yes, it was tragic, yes it was horrifying and bloody and unbelievable and BAD, but the idea of editing the Twin Towers out of films that had already been shot at the time, and expressing outrage and pointing a finger of shame at those who would revisit that scenario seems a little ridiculous to me.
I have decided that the end of the world has officially arrived.
Here are a few indicators that I'd like you to contemplate:
1. ANOTHER REMAKE of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers". Actually, this one is just called "The Invasion". Maybe Hollywood thought if they left the "Body Snatchers" part out of the title, nobody would notice that this is the THIRD FOURTH TIME in 50 years that the same movie has been made. What makes this even more bizarre is the irony involved.
A soulless replica of a movie based on the concept of soulless replicas.
2. You won't believe what I saw last night (adding to the enormous pile of reasons that I detest television). A GMC Truck commercial, nothing extraordinary in its own right. Now, I think it's safe to assume that most of us have seen, and been at least moderately disappointed by, commercials (especially for cars) that feel the need to adopt classic rock anthems from years past in order to "relate" to the prime car-buying generation. We've heard The Who, Bob Seger, and countless others selling the rights to their songs, apparently along with their very souls, to The Man for a few bucks. It never fails to fill me with sadness and disappointment.
Last night however... my mind was utterly blown. The old Genesis classic, "Turn It On Again" was the theme music in a god damn truck commercial. Now, I ask you: Does this seem as somehow wrong and surreal to you as it did to me? Maybe when you see it for yourself, you'll understand. I am a big fan of Genesis... well, at least in the true prog-rock years (which pretty much just means the years that Peter Gabriel was still in the band), but Abacab-era, Phil Collins Genesis wasn't too bad either. A frigging truck commercial. Wow.
I have a definite feeling that someday in the not-too-distant future, we'll be seeing commercials for the new Honda Hovercar 5000, with the melodious strains of Limp Bizkit or Sir Mix-A-Lot or something, preying on our sense of nostalgia to sell us junk we don't really need. Whatever.
3. In better news, I saw "The Fountain" last night for the first time. Darren Aranofsky has yet again outdone himself. Honestly, I can't even tell you anything about the movie, it would just ruin it for you. All I ask is that you go rent or buy it as soon as humanly possible, sit back, press "play" and let your mind go swirling away.
My only problem with the movie is this: Where in the name of God can Aranofsky go from here? The guy's like, in his early 30's and has already made, in my opinion three of the most incredible movies of all time; "Pi", "Requiem For a Dream" and now this. If he continues to improve his craft, I fear it will blow my mind so badly that I shall have to spend the rest of my days in a sanitarium. That, or he'll make a film so amazing, that it will simply destroy the fabric of time and space with it's fabulousness. I'm doomed either way.
Wikipedia, my favorite semi-reliable source of knowledge, describes "spam" (as it applies to email) as "Unsolicited Bulk Email". Basically, a modernized version of junk mail, except that it mostly has to do with increasing the size of your penis and helping Nigerian bankers smuggle some dead guy's money.There has probably been some form of spam in existence since the beginning of human history.
Almost everyone has, at some point, found flyers or ads or bible verses stuck under their windshield wiper. Go to Las Vegas, and you'll see guys about every 8 feet all the way down the Strip, handing out little cards to everyone who passes by, regardless of age, sex, or demeanor. These cards typically feature photos of unclothed women, complete with phone numbers for escort services, stripping agencies, or phone sex lines. It makes me wonder-- did they do this kind of thing in Ancient Rome or other eras of civilization? I can understand how movable type and the Industrial Revolution made advertising in ALL forms a lot easier, and a lot more pervasive, but in the grand scope of history, those are pretty recent developments. I do theorize that there has always been pornography or some form of selling sex, and probably there have always been scams and salesmen. Do you think cavemen handed out stones with cave-paintings on them to advertise hot cavewomen that would come to your cave and dance and grunt for only 5 pig-skulls? I think it's not only possible, but fairly likely.
So, let's move forward a couple million years, to a time and place in which every morning I have between 200 and 600 emails in my inbox. On some days, 100% of these are spam. Other days, I get one or two real messages from friends or family or clients. The other 598 messages are the most obnoxious, idiotic, unsolicited hogwash I have ever seen.
Look, I understand the principle. I work in marketing, and much of my job consists of finding cost-effective ways to raise awareness and sales of my company's products. Advertising by email costs virtually nothing, and occasionally it may actually help promote a business or gain customers. But how are you going to promote a product with subject lines full of complete nonsense? Is this actually fooling anyone? I'm talking about the really spammy stuff, the messages that have subjects like some of the ones I received today:
He my vendetta - (What does this even mean?)
Everything for you penis at low prices - (My penis has everything it needs, thanks.)
in aback as waggle - (Again, total nonsense. How is this supposed to entice me to buy things?)
New Winter Poetry Contest - Enter Now! Win 10,000 Dollars - (I don't write poetry)
In fact, Mr. David Wong has compiled a hilarious Spam Subject Line Museum at his Pointless Waste Of Time website. My examples seem rather tame compared to some of his listings. Reinforcing my point; is anyone actually opening these emails? And if not, what's the point of sending trillions of them?
See, when you're in Las Vegas, and a guy is handing out sex-cards, you have the option of not taking one if you're not interested in paying for sex, or you could take one and throw it in the next available garbage can. If you actually wanted a midget sex message from Muswellbrook Netball Association Vice President Tracy Goldman, you would probably just call her up and ask if she would be willing to give you the scoop on midget sex (don't get your hopes up, I'm sure she's very busy). With spam, you are constantly getting dozens of repeated emails trying to sell you things that there is absolutely no chance you would ever want or need (like a midget sex message, because I'm actually not even sure what that entails. Is it a message you need to hear if you ARE a midget, or does the midget give you the message? Either way, I'm not interested).
The reason I even mention any of this is because spam is not only annoying, it is fast becoming dangerous. In recent years, spam and similar maladies like spyware, viruses, autodialers, etc. have shifted from being passive annoyances to very proactive and aggressive tools of destruction. With every safeguard we can install on our computer, some genius with way too much time on his hands finds a new loophole.
In a recent news story, a 40-year-old substitute teacher is in danger of being sentenced to 40 YEARS in prison for accidentally and unwittingly exposing a classroom full of 7th-graders to various pornographic pop-up advertisements that appeared out of nowhere while letting the kids surf the net on the class computer. As it turns out, in this case, the teacher had hired a lawyer who was woefully uninformed and unprepared to specifically place the blame on spammers and spybots. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for her appeal, as she has already been convicted of 4 felonies in this case.
A couple of years ago, some asshole company saw fit to install an ad on my computer without telling me. This ad was for something called The Amazing Diet Patch, a transdermal patch that pumped you full of some sort of diet drugs. This ad would pop up at random moments, complete with a very loud female announcer who would tell me all about the diet patch, and scare the bejesus out of my cat. When I wasn't hearing Diet Patch Lady's voice in my nightmares, I was hearing it in reality because it woke me up out of a sound sleep from the office next to my bedroom. I became so frustrated with the ad that I tracked down the phone number for the shady-sounding company that was behind the product, called them up, and demanded to be transferred to the tech department to explain how to get the thing off of my system. Since I was talking to some order-entry paean who probably had no idea what I was talking about, I got nowhere with this request.
My point is that there is no reason this ad should have been installed to begin with. If I want a diet patch, I'll go find one and buy it. If I want porn, or a midget sex message, or information on penny stocks, I'll seek it out on my own, thank you very much. I hate spam and spyware much as I would hate someone breaking the window of my apartment to sneak in while I was asleep and ask me if I wanted to buy something. Even if it was something really, REALLY good.
When spam and its ilk cross the line from annoyance to invasion, we all need to step back and realize that although there are some laws to govern this type of activity (like the CAN-SPAM act), there is no real way to enforce them until the damage has already been done, whether it's damage to your peace of mind or to your PC. So I will make a plea to all you spammers out there:
Please just stop doing what you're doing. Your way of doing business should be illegal, and at the very least it should give you trouble sleeping at night. If your products were any good in the first place, you would not need to resort to sneaky and cryptic marketing strategies. Nobody is shopping online for Diet Patches, searching for midget sex messages, or in need of any sort of herbal substitutes for marijuana unless they are really, really dumb or desperate. Your day will come!
I agree with everything you have written and have felt this way for some time...although spam has brought on the creation of http://spamusement.com/ and that site makes it all almost close to kind of acceptable.
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Are you wondering why I put the word "new" in quotation marks? Here's why:
Oops, I'm sorry... I meant:
Screw you, Hollywood.
2. You won't believe what I saw last night (adding to the enormous pile of reasons that I detest television). A GMC Truck commercial, nothing extraordinary in its own right. Now, I think it's safe to assume that most of us have seen, and been at least moderately disappointed by, commercials (especially for cars) that feel the need to adopt classic rock anthems from years past in order to "relate" to the prime car-buying generation. We've heard The Who, Bob Seger, and countless others selling the rights to their songs, apparently along with their very souls, to The Man for a few bucks. It never fails to fill me with sadness and disappointment.
ot nowhere with this request.
